Going from a punitive home to a gentle home

coming soon...

A child centered home?

A similar reaction should be given to any kind of unkind behavior of any age: biting, hitting, fighting, etc. (And pulling hair) God does want us to be kind. He commands it, actually, and we should teach our children this as well as be kind ourselves. My children were able to memorize this by the time they were 3, by singing it to a slightly modified tune of 10 little Indians:

“be ye kind, one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake forgave you;" Ephesians 4:32.

Our children do not belong to us. They are not our personal property. They belong to the Lord.

“Behold, all souls are Mine. As the soul of the father, also the soul of the son, they are Mine.” Ezekial 18:4

We, as parents, are the stewards of our children. And we are to be good stewards… of our children, our home, our money, our bodies, our pets, our things… Everything. And this is actually is one of the best points to make to our children when teaching them in the way of life. It applies to eating healthy, learning to cook, doing dishes, cleaning the house, picking up toys, taking care of our pets… Teach your child that everything is a good gift of the Lord, and that we are to be good stewards of what He has given us.

This is what makes a difference in the lives of our children. To explain the ways and truth of the Lord to them. You may be able to see that the word “discipline” comes from the word “disciple.” These children that the Lord has given you are your disciples to teach the ways of the Lord. This comes from believing, living and teaching biblical truths.

Spanking really has nothing at all to do with anything. Some claim if you spank a lot at the beginning there is almost no need once the child is older. They claim that they spanked their children or they were spanked themselves and they turned out ‘fine.’ I believe they turned out fine “in spite of” rather than “because of.” I have an intelligent, kind, loyal friend who was raped by her father repeatedly throughout her childhood until she was a teen. I think everyone would agree she turned out “fine” in spite of the treatment she received, not because of it. I’d say the same is true of most children- no matter how children are raised: permissive, strict, abused, religious, etc - surprisingly, most of us turn out “fine.” Let’s credit the Lord, rather than any work.

So, anyway, I wonder why spanking is given so much credit in Christianity for being the thing responsible for turning out good kids? The way it’s explained, it’s often a “quick fix.” One website claims if you teach them to obey through spankings, then you don’t have to teach them anything else. You condition them like a pet, and then you can pretty much go along in life without your children being a source of frustration.

Why is the emphasis on spanking rather than on teaching the ways of the Lord? I believe it’s our expectations as parents and the teaching we do which makes the difference.

Again, a popular book sadly recommends:

First, I disagree that discipline and training are two different things. No where does the Bible suggest that training is the conditioning of children like pets when they’re little, but then disciple them when they’re older. The word used in Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child” means “to discipline.” Jesus trained his disciples by teaching them His truth.

Anyway… honestly. Can anyone else see that if you tell a baby “no” and move them away from an object repeatedly for several times, that they will learn? Do you really believe it is contingent on the “switching” or is it the parent’s consistency in teaching the child what is acceptable? I believe it’s the parent’s diligence and patience that works, not the punishment.

And, in this case, this is a “because I said so” type of situation, not because God said so and that’s okay. In some cases, this is how it will be. But, whenever possible, we should point to what is required of us by Scripture.

Here’s one more (bad) example from that 'popular book:'

Again, is the key the switch?? I don't think so. The father could call the child, go to him, walk the child over to where he was called - continuing this until the child learns what it means to come. It will be successful without the switching. The switching isn’t the key, it’s the diligence and patience of the parent.

Raising and training children is hard work. Training them in the way of the Lord is even harder. There’s no quick and easy way to do it. Be focused on the Lord, and He will give you strength. And may all our homes be God-centered.

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Is spanking really Biblical?

We hear all the time that God has commanded spanking. He has sanctioned it as the correct means to raise a godly child. We used to believe that, pretty much because we were told it was true, and because of a few verses that were pointed out to us. Those verses seemed, at least at first, to be pretty clear. But over time we came to change our minds. I’ll share with you why we no longer believe spanking is biblically mandate. I know not every one who reads will agree, I'm not even trying to convince you. I'm just sharing....

I used to work for Family Advocacy which substantiates child and spouse abuse. I was not a believer at the time. I remember some of our clients professing to be Christians who used the rod as part of their religion. I remember reading one child’s file describing her bruises and wondering how big was their rod? I asked in a meeting, “did anyone ask to see the rod?” This girl had a lot of bruising. Anyway, our office discouraged spanking, but we would tell our clients if they were going to spank, that they should use their open hand, over the child’s clothes, with no more than three hits. We told them if there was a mark two hours later, then they’d abused their child.

Both before and after working at F.A., I ran a home daycare. For several years we had our home full of children 12 hours a day and it was, of course, illegal for me to spank during daycare hours. If I had been at all punitive, not only would I have lost my clients, but I would have been prosecuted. So I learned to be creative in order to maintain respect and order.

So, spanking just wasn’t a big deal in our parenting. That is, until we became born again believers. Then, one of the first things we were taught was that it is *God’s way* of bringing up children. That it is somehow a Christian’s duty. One church that we attended held a parenting seminar that taught that spanking somehow *restores a child to God’s blessing.* We still own parenting videos which teach that spanking is God’s *divine way* to discipline our children. Sadly, we fell for it.

We found a strong Bible-teaching church. The people there were committed to evangelism, teaching salvation by grace through faith. But, after a time we realized although they taught salvation is by grace through faith, they taught that believers had to follow rules and principles to be right with God. Though the principles weren’t bad in and of themselves, it was the belief that following them somehow merits God’s favor that is damaging.

In studying the Scriptures, and pouring over tons of books and articles (both pro and con), we finally understood that we are right with God strictly because of the fact that Jesus shed His blood for our sins. The fact is that no matter how we try, no matter how good our intentions - our works pale in comparison to our sins.

Psa 130:3: “If You, O Lord, should mark iniquities, who could stand?”

We can not and do not merit God’s favor. Grace is given by God and we do not deserve it. If we are trusting in salvation through Christ, then we don’t have to tiptoe around as Christians. We are free in Christ. Our position with God is not precarious. It’s cemented.

I just know that somebody is going to put words in my mouth and say I don’t believe in obedience to God’s Word. But they'd be wrong. Of course we should. He deserves it. He tells us if we love Him, we will obey. His command to us is to love Him and love others.

Of course, we should not be doing things like committing adultery, fornication, lustfulness, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, fightings, jealousies, angers, rivalries, divisions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness… Those are the works of the flesh and not done out of love. We should be looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, and walking in the Spirit (Gal 5).

Understanding God’s grace and stepping out of a legalistic mindset is like being born-again all over again. Understanding that God accepts me strictly through His Son, and not because of my deeds, makes me very grateful. I don’t know about you, but I am chief among sinners. God would be upset with me much more often than He would be pleased with me, if our relationship was based on me, rather than on Christ.

So, I felt like I had to relearn everything I had once learned. That I needed to restudy everything in light of discovering that so many things had been twisted. It was a beautiful thing to reread the Scriptures in understanding of His true grace.

I desired to LIVE this grace, this mercy that God gives me. I desired to model it. This change has just been over the few years that we have had this website. One of the things we reconsidered was God’s view of child discipline.

Psa 103:8,9: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and rich in mercy. He will not always chasten, nor will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.”

And again, in reading the Scriptures, I had to seriously wonder if God would want small children to be hit.

First, the word “spank” is not found in Scripture. Second, there is no “spare the rod, spoil the child” verse in Scripture. That line comes from an old, long poem of indecent nature. The applicable line is:

“Love is a boy by poets stil’d;
Then spare the rod and spoil the child.”

There are Proverbs Scriptures that do speak of the rod, however. Here are a few ‘favorites.’ I think it’s clear that they aren’t to be taken literally.

Pro 13:24: “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him chastens him early.”

I know that someone who doesn’t spank doesn’t actually hate his child.

Pro 23:13: “Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with the rod, he will not die.”

I know that a child can indeed die from being beaten.

Pro 23:14: “You shall beat him with the rod, and shall deliver his soul from hell.”

I know that only faith in Christ will deliver anyone from Hell.

So, we know that God doesn’t lie. And we also know that He doesn’t exaggerate for effect. So if they’re not literal, then they have a spiritual meaning. If you’re still not convinced, consider Proverbs 23:2:

“put a knife to your throat, if you are a man given to appetite.”

Do you like to eat? Can you at least consider that maybe Proverbs aren't supposed to all be taken literally? We found we had to.

In doing study, long story short, we came to understand that the rod is the rod of discipline - that is, it is about teaching the words of Biblical truth - rather than of actually striking a child with an instrument.

Psa 23:4: ” Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

We all find such comfort in this verse. But we know that God is not literally a big physical being with a big stick that hits us. We are comforted by His presence, truth, His promises, and who He is.

Some cite Hebrews 12 as proof for spanking. However, though the Lord does correct and discipline us, He does not punish us. He allows us to go through trials, and He allows us to deal with the consequences of our sins. But, God doesn’t give us the punishment we deserve. Instead, Jesus took the punishment for our sins on the cross. God offers us His mercy. Think of the prodigal son. He was not given punishment.

Col 2:6: “Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him”

And so, we decided we were to parent as God parents us. We are relatively new to the mindset of believing we should not spank. We apologized to our children, and explained why we believe that we were wrong. That we misunderstood God’s grace.

That doesn’t mean that we are permissive. It is clear that many believe that not spanking equals permissiveness. There are many permissive parents, including those who spank and those who don’t. Being permissive is not effective. But being a firm, attentive parent without spanking is actually hard work. It’s much easier to spank as a quick fix, than to address a problem with words which point to Biblical truth. There have been many times that I’ve come upon a situation where I would have spanked in the past, and almost did again, but didn’t.

2Pe 2:9: “The Lord knows how to deliver the godly out of temptation…”

We have to supervise our children. Be consistent, and teach them. If God keeps us from temptation that is too great for us, then we should try our best to keep our children out of temptation that is too great for them. Your children are never too young to be taught the Scriptures and be taught about Christ.

2Ti 3:15 and that from a babe you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

There. It is the Scriptures that are able to make you wise to salvation. Not spanking. Spanking does not restore a child to God’s blessings. Spanking is not anything supernatural. The unsaved can spank their child. The unsaved can not teach their child the wisdom of the Lord. Teaching the Scriptures is what is important. As we’re told in Deut 6, teach them throughout the day, as you sit, as you walk - explain, discuss, pray, and praise.

I’ve heard some moms say they believe that a child is learning to obey God when they obey them. That when the child grows up, God “takes your place.” Yikes! God is God. He is present now, even for our little ones. We cannot allow ourselves to believe we are His substitutes. We are not taking HIS place! Please point your children to Him.

Now let me say that I though I’ve made it clear that I do not believe that Scripture commands spanking, neither would I say it forbids it. However, I’d like to point out that the OT did command stonings, yet still Jesus stopped a stoning. Even though they would have been ‘right’ under the law to follow through with the stoning. Hmmm. Some food for thought there…

We recently watched “Amazing Grace” the historical movie about slavery being battled in court in England. It made me think of how there was a time when many American Christians believed that the Bible sanctioned slavery. I can see how they read the Scriptures and thought that. But with a better overall view of the Scriptures and grace, we have come to understand that Biblical love in action does not include owning another human being as property. I think He didn’t put it in there clearly, because He wanted us to seek Him and figure it out. In that same manner, I personally believe that in due time we will come to understand that He also does want us to strike children, either, and that it is simply man's tradition..

I lovingly challenge anyone who has read this far to reevaluate their understanding of grace and this issue with an open, prayerful heart. Give it some time. I myself would have adamantly insisted that spanking was not hitting, but now I understand that there’s no logical way around it - swatting, striking, smacking - no matter what you call it, it’s still hitting. If you would like to read more on interpreting the rod verses of Proverbs, I suggest reading the sites on the sidebar. Give parenting with discipline (teaching God’s truth) rather than punishment, a chance. There’s lots of information available to help you parent with grace and mercy.

1Thes 2:7: “even though as apostles of Christ we might have made such demands. Instead, we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother tenderly caring for her own children.

1st Thes 2:11,12: “You know very well that we treated each of you the way a father treats his children. We comforted and encouraged you, urging you to live in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into his kingdom and glory.”

T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved…

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Raising your child

Raising a child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is an honor and a privilege. It can also be somewhat challenging. Here are some questions that every believing parent should ask of themselves…

* How does your own history effect your parenting? Were you brought up with faith? Did you have positive or negative experiences with other adults and children?

* What are your challenges as a parent?

* How well prepared do you feel as a parent?

* What are your responsibilities as a parent Biblically?

* How will your children benefit from learning the Bible?

* How do you think your children would describe you?

* How did you come to understand the grace of God?

* Does your child have a personal relationship with the Lord?

* Is your child exhibiting fruit from his/her relationship with the Lord?

* Are you confident that you are born again?

* Are you confident that your child is born again?

* Do you pray with your child?

* Do you share your spiritual struggles and successes with your child?

* Do you make Biblically based decisions?

* How do you think Godly character is built in a child?

* Jesus said, “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. As I have loved you, you should also love one another.” (John 13:34) How are you modeling this commandment for your child?

* Are you teaching and modeling forgiveness?

* Are you teaching and modeling respect and honor? Submission?

* Have you made clear to your children what your rules are, and the consequences as well?

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” ~ Psalm 119:11

“Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. ~ Mat 4:4

“…provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” ~ Eph 6:4

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CHRISTIAN pop psychology
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

This is from a post I wrote two years ago, to the day. I was just deleting old posts and came across it. I cleaned it up a little, and wanted to share it here.

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I agree there is a lot of pop psychology junk out there. As a daycare provider, I had to constantly take training and I really couldn’t stand the garbage they taught. It was a steady downhill climb from any kind of common sense. (like, just totally ignore it if a child does bad) However, as a daycare provider, I could not physically punish, so it did teach me a lot of how I could train a child to respect and obey, without spanking. It forced me to think of other ways. I’d have some children for years and years - from birth until they were in school, and generally around 8 children, so I had to maintain strict obedience, if not for my sanity, for safety.

When I read the scriptures, “spare the rod, spoil the child” does not equal to me, “don’t spank = spoiling.” It reads “don’t CORRECT = spoiling!”

For example, I would teach the children Ephesians 4:32 “be ye kind, one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake forgave you.” So, if one ripped a toy out of another child’s hands, for example, it would go something like this. “tell me Eph 4:32? They’d recite it. “Do you think it’s kind to take something away from someone? What if a child walked up to you and took a toy out of your hands? Is that kindness? Do you think that Jesus would think that is being kind?” You could typically see the child think it over and appear to get it. “What do you think Jesus would want you to do?” Normally, the child would return the toy and apologize. Then I’d follow up with the other child regarding the second part of the verse about forgiving.

Honestly, that was typically enough to train the children to do the right thing. Still today, I attempt to keep my own children’s heart on the Lord by pointing out what the Lord’s will for us is. We memorize them, and then when there are problems, we turn to that Scripture.

But what I want to point out that there is an awful lot of psychology taught today in CHRISTIAN parenting books. Books are written telling us HOW to apply the Scriptures. There is no mention in the Bible of ‘first time obedience’ or ‘tomato staking’ or that sort of stuff … or even of our modern practice of ’spanking’ . I dislike when *teachers* apply some sort formula and give very specific directions where the Bible doesn’t and then those teachings become almost a sort of law in Christian circles.

I’ve noticed Christian parenting books and Christians online apply a type of PEER PRESSURE to spank & spank quickly, in order to raise godly children — as if that’s the only way to parent. Some are offended if any other method is suggested…like any other discipline other than spanking is equal to not being a good Christian parent or anti-Biblical.

The truth is that the Bible talks about and models a lot of different ways to teach - train - correct - admonish - rebuke … They all need to be talked about.

When I think of many of the Scriptures that talk about ‘the rod’ I think of a Shepherd. The great Shepherd whose rod and staff comforts me. I think about a shepherd who tends to his sheep. Yes, he’ll most definitely be carrying a rod or staff and he will keep the sheep on the right path by talking to them, and by poking, prodding, and guiding. He would use it to hit, too, if an enemy attacked.

I’m in the middle of a book where the author shares how long it took him to really understand and trust the true nature of our Heavenly Father, because his own relationship with his earthly father was so strained. He admitted how it took years to learn he could take everything to God, and ask Him for anything, because he had been afraid to be himself with his dad. It’s true that how we are parented definitely influence us in our ability to understand the truth behind the name Father God.

I’d just encourage you think about how the Lord nurtures and admonishes you. It’s a fact that anyone can force a child to obey anything, and with a cheerful-looking face at that. But what is important is that we reach their heart. God no longer has us under the law, and He is not impressed with pious actions rather than a right heart. Neither does He ignore our actions, or reward our disobedience. Instead, He says “let me show you the way.” He takes our hand, He leads us, shows us the way, step by step, and never leaves us or forsakes us.

That is what we should try to do as parents.

 

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